Going Through The Motions (Buffy, Demons)
BUFFY
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing
VAMP
She ain't got that swing
BUFFY
Thanks for noticing
VAMPS AND GOAT GUY
She is pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Facing it some how
GOAT GUY
She's not even half the girl she - ow.
BUFFY
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?
"HANDSOME" GUY
How can I repay - -
BUFFY
Whatever.
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Looking for a cliff
Sometimes I have these moments where all I want to do is find a cliff. I don't always feel like jumping off of it. I feel like if I just stand there and feel the wind and watch the waves crash against the rocks, that I'll be fine. That if I just imagine myself being slammed against the rocks then maybe, just maybe I'll stop looking for that cliff to jump off.
I know that no matter how I feel I would never actually do something stupid like that. I've gone through way too many suicide attempts by my dad and I wouldn't put people through that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care? But the fact of the matter is, I would never ever want to cause Manda that kind of pain. Nor would I want her to have to explain to Kayleigh why I won't be around.
So in the end, just thinking about it stops me from doing it. That and the fact that I just do not have the energy to do some thing like that. And here's the biggie: I am a chicken and can not handle pain.
And that is my morbid thoughts of the day.
I know that no matter how I feel I would never actually do something stupid like that. I've gone through way too many suicide attempts by my dad and I wouldn't put people through that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care? But the fact of the matter is, I would never ever want to cause Manda that kind of pain. Nor would I want her to have to explain to Kayleigh why I won't be around.
So in the end, just thinking about it stops me from doing it. That and the fact that I just do not have the energy to do some thing like that. And here's the biggie: I am a chicken and can not handle pain.
And that is my morbid thoughts of the day.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Battle
Everyday is a battle. A struggle to get out of bed. I'm at the point where I just do not care. I know I need to clean my apt but I don't. I know I need to call back the dude about the job and its like nah it can wait. I don't have the desire and or energy to do anything that needs to be done. I went to the doc today to get pain pills for my head and maybe sleeping pills so i could sleep. And I had every attention of talking to him about getting back on the depression pills that I decided to stop taking without telling anyone. But the doctor did not listen to me so now I have to try a new pill and I have no pain pills or sleeping pills and I was so upset, I didn't even bother to talk to him about the depression. I do not care at this point what is causing the headaches. I don't want to try some new damn pill to see if that helps them go away. I've lived with these things my whole and no one seems to know why. I'm tired of the new pills and new test. I just want a pain pill to take when its super bad like now. But no, damn doctor would not listen and so now I have a new damn pill to try and ANOTHER FUCKING MRI to do! I don't have the money for this shit and I'm just done. If the headaches get worse? Oh well. If the depression gets worse? Oh well. So please excuse me while I slide down this slip and slide head first and eyes open and land in the sweet darkness of not FUCKING caring anymore.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
August Goals....
I'm going to start trying to make goals every month. I don't know how this will work, since I tend to have the same goals every month! Ha, I don't like change.
*Write Daily
~blog, journal, email, anything. I just need to do it everyday
*Read at least a chapter a day.
~this is easy for me since I normally do this, but lately, I've only been reading a couple of pages. This is not going to help me and my quest of 100 books!
*Watch at least an hour of my DVR a day
~i am just so bad at watching my dvr. I love the thing but I just let it get all filled and then have to spend hours trying to catch up.
*Clean Clean Clean CLEAN
~i am just horrible at cleaning sometimes. I clean up all day at work and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is clean.
*Eat out less
~somedays I'm just so tired after work I just don't want to make dinner or my head is bad or I wake up late for work and have no time to make breakfast. I gave up fast food for lent, so I know I can do it.
*Drink less soda and drink more water
~this has been an ongoing battle for me since the begining of time
*Find a new job
*Write Daily
~blog, journal, email, anything. I just need to do it everyday
*Read at least a chapter a day.
~this is easy for me since I normally do this, but lately, I've only been reading a couple of pages. This is not going to help me and my quest of 100 books!
*Watch at least an hour of my DVR a day
~i am just so bad at watching my dvr. I love the thing but I just let it get all filled and then have to spend hours trying to catch up.
*Clean Clean Clean CLEAN
~i am just horrible at cleaning sometimes. I clean up all day at work and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is clean.
*Eat out less
~somedays I'm just so tired after work I just don't want to make dinner or my head is bad or I wake up late for work and have no time to make breakfast. I gave up fast food for lent, so I know I can do it.
*Drink less soda and drink more water
~this has been an ongoing battle for me since the begining of time
*Find a new job
Once Upon A Time...
There was a time, long long ago, where you were the one I turned too. The one that I longed for.
The person who I loved, who I thought I would marry.
The one that I wanted to start a family with.
Have the house with the white picketed fence.
I saw a future with this person.
Thank god, I woke up from that dream.
I was blinded by your lies and now my eyes are open.
Now when you open your mouth, it just reminds me of all the reasons I was smart enough to leave you.
You try to hurt me with words.
Too bad you've hurt me way more then that.
You have no control over me.
Last time, I let you back in my life.
I am DONE with YOU!
The person who I loved, who I thought I would marry.
The one that I wanted to start a family with.
Have the house with the white picketed fence.
I saw a future with this person.
Thank god, I woke up from that dream.
I was blinded by your lies and now my eyes are open.
Now when you open your mouth, it just reminds me of all the reasons I was smart enough to leave you.
You try to hurt me with words.
Too bad you've hurt me way more then that.
You have no control over me.
Last time, I let you back in my life.
I am DONE with YOU!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Awkward thy name is, Shanna
So today is the ex boy's birthday. Being a dumbass or nice, you decide, I sent him a message on fb. Everyone should be remembered on their birthday, there should be a rule. It's your damn day yo. Anywho, he messaged me back saying thanks and how he wish other things were going on. I assumed this was in regards to an ongoing family trauma. It was, however, I didn't know how bad the problem had gotten and pretty much kinda felt like I stuck my foot in my mouth. I mean, he didn't bite my head off, just kinda implied I was a dumbass. This is what you get for being nice to an a**hat.
Then at work, the awkwardness just expanded. Mike was telling me how I was going to have to talk to these managers that are coming next week to be trained on things. And they wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about how I get people to follow me and all this stuff. Hello, its because I don't take crap from any of the works. I get paid to make sure you are doing your job and you bet you bum I'm gonna make you do this s**t. I don't have patenice for other nonsesne. I digress.
Mike then started saying how he told them on a track to become a manager and basically in training for it. (I disagree but I shall keep that thought to myself) The whole time he is talking, I'm thinking, I wonder if I will get called for interviews from the jobs applied for yesterday.
And it only gets better because later Renee was talking about how excited she is about me coming back to institutionals. How things are changed and how I will love it. My response, I like cafe. And she just kept going on trying to convince me that it was going to be fun. First off, no its not. That s**t is boring as f**k. Second, I do not like dealing with damn teachers! Well, some of them anyways. Third, looking for a new job.
Oh wait, I haven't told any of them that. Hello awkward when they talk about my bn future and all I think is, oh god, I'm done.
And then after work, I stop by Walmart and my Walmart crush is there. He got a haircut. And I swear when he rings me up, I am so damn awkward. It's stupid. I can't win.
Then at work, the awkwardness just expanded. Mike was telling me how I was going to have to talk to these managers that are coming next week to be trained on things. And they wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about how I get people to follow me and all this stuff. Hello, its because I don't take crap from any of the works. I get paid to make sure you are doing your job and you bet you bum I'm gonna make you do this s**t. I don't have patenice for other nonsesne. I digress.
Mike then started saying how he told them on a track to become a manager and basically in training for it. (I disagree but I shall keep that thought to myself) The whole time he is talking, I'm thinking, I wonder if I will get called for interviews from the jobs applied for yesterday.
And it only gets better because later Renee was talking about how excited she is about me coming back to institutionals. How things are changed and how I will love it. My response, I like cafe. And she just kept going on trying to convince me that it was going to be fun. First off, no its not. That s**t is boring as f**k. Second, I do not like dealing with damn teachers! Well, some of them anyways. Third, looking for a new job.
Oh wait, I haven't told any of them that. Hello awkward when they talk about my bn future and all I think is, oh god, I'm done.
And then after work, I stop by Walmart and my Walmart crush is there. He got a haircut. And I swear when he rings me up, I am so damn awkward. It's stupid. I can't win.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Fairytales.....
People think I'm mean...bossy...bitchy...hard....negative.
I'm a little bit of all these things and more.
It's the more that people don't want to know or are shocked to know. That is if they take the time to know. Which they don't. I like to think it's their lost.
1) I love Unicorns
What a tough girl can't love unicorns? Unacceptable. Peagus falls under this but I like unicorns the best. The magic and the innocence.
2) I simply adore carosels. Can't spell it but I love them.
Part of me thinks this is due to my obession with Mary Poppins. Also, they are like the unicorns of the horse world. Fake colorful horses to be exact.
3) I heart gazbos. Can't spell it. Oh well.
They are beautiful. I would totally get married in one. The romance. Such much could be done. Magical
4) Fairytales
What a tough and indepedent girl can't enjoy a fairytale? Princess. Princes. Knight in shinny armor. Castles. True love. Flowers. Sparkles. Carriages. I want that fantasy, if only for a while.
I'm a little bit of all these things and more.
It's the more that people don't want to know or are shocked to know. That is if they take the time to know. Which they don't. I like to think it's their lost.
1) I love Unicorns
What a tough girl can't love unicorns? Unacceptable. Peagus falls under this but I like unicorns the best. The magic and the innocence.
2) I simply adore carosels. Can't spell it but I love them.
Part of me thinks this is due to my obession with Mary Poppins. Also, they are like the unicorns of the horse world. Fake colorful horses to be exact.
3) I heart gazbos. Can't spell it. Oh well.
They are beautiful. I would totally get married in one. The romance. Such much could be done. Magical
4) Fairytales
What a tough and indepedent girl can't enjoy a fairytale? Princess. Princes. Knight in shinny armor. Castles. True love. Flowers. Sparkles. Carriages. I want that fantasy, if only for a while.
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