Holy Awesome....

Raw Nerves....

I feel like this week I am a bundle of raw energy waiting to explode.
My job status is up in the air. I passed on one opportunity to try for an opportunity at work. But the person I'm going ageist is better at interviews and words and speaking. To lose the spot because of that would devastate me. Because I know I'm better at the spot.
My sister has a new boy. Well I guess she has two new boys. Both of course love her and she gets like my mom when there are boys involved. I get kicked to the curb. I'm always being left out. Sometimes I think if it wasn't for me trying so hard we wouldn't be so close. Makes me sad because she is my bestfriend and if you know me, then you'd know I'd do anything for her.
And there is my friend, we'll call her, Emotions. I feel this huge gulf of space between us. She is so back and forth, I just don't know what I'm going to get. And yesterday, her actions at work cause me to end up in the managers office crying.
There are just days I can't win for losing. I suck at life.
I'll just stay all Aloney On My Owney

What she said...minus the vamp part

Going Through The Motions (Buffy, Demons)

BUFFY
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right

I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing

VAMP
She ain't got that swing

BUFFY
Thanks for noticing

VAMPS AND GOAT GUY
She is pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Facing it some how

GOAT GUY
She's not even half the girl she - ow.

BUFFY
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?

"HANDSOME" GUY
How can I repay - -

BUFFY
Whatever.
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!

Looking for a cliff

Sometimes I have these moments where all I want to do is find a cliff. I don't always feel like jumping off of it. I feel like if I just stand there and feel the wind and watch the waves crash against the rocks, that I'll be fine. That if I just imagine myself being slammed against the rocks then maybe, just maybe I'll stop looking for that cliff to jump off.
I know that no matter how I feel I would never actually do something stupid like that. I've gone through way too many suicide attempts by my dad and I wouldn't put people through that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care? But the fact of the matter is, I would never ever want to cause Manda that kind of pain. Nor would I want her to have to explain to Kayleigh why I won't be around.
So in the end, just thinking about it stops me from doing it. That and the fact that I just do not have the energy to do some thing like that. And here's the biggie: I am a chicken and can not handle pain.
And that is my morbid thoughts of the day.

The Battle

Everyday is a battle. A struggle to get out of bed. I'm at the point where I just do not care. I know I need to clean my apt but I don't. I know I need to call back the dude about the job and its like nah it can wait. I don't have the desire and or energy to do anything that needs to be done. I went to the doc today to get pain pills for my head and maybe sleeping pills so i could sleep. And I had every attention of talking to him about getting back on the depression pills that I decided to stop taking without telling anyone. But the doctor did not listen to me so now I have to try a new pill and I have no pain pills or sleeping pills and I was so upset, I didn't even bother to talk to him about the depression. I do not care at this point what is causing the headaches. I don't want to try some new damn pill to see if that helps them go away. I've lived with these things my whole and no one seems to know why. I'm tired of the new pills and new test. I just want a pain pill to take when its super bad like now. But no, damn doctor would not listen and so now I have a new damn pill to try and ANOTHER FUCKING MRI to do! I don't have the money for this shit and I'm just done. If the headaches get worse? Oh well. If the depression gets worse? Oh well. So please excuse me while I slide down this slip and slide head first and eyes open and land in the sweet darkness of not FUCKING caring anymore.

August Goals....

I'm going to start trying to make goals every month. I don't know how this will work, since I tend to have the same goals every month! Ha, I don't like change.

*Write Daily
    ~blog, journal, email, anything. I just need to do it everyday

*Read at least a chapter a day.
    ~this is easy for me since I normally do this, but lately, I've only been reading a couple of pages. This is not going to help me and my quest of 100 books!

*Watch at least an hour of my DVR a day
  ~i am just so bad at watching my dvr. I love the thing but I just let it get all filled and then have to spend hours trying to catch up.

*Clean Clean Clean CLEAN
    ~i am just horrible at cleaning sometimes. I clean up all day at work and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is clean.

*Eat out less
   ~somedays I'm just so tired after work I just don't want to make dinner or my head is bad or I wake up late for work and have no time to make breakfast. I gave up fast food for lent, so I know I can do it.

*Drink less soda and drink more water
    ~this has been an ongoing battle for me since the begining of time

*Find a new job

Once Upon A Time...

There was a time, long long ago, where you were the one I turned too. The one that I longed for.
The person who I loved, who I thought I would marry.
The one that I wanted to start a family with.
Have the house with the white picketed fence.
I saw a future with this person.
Thank god, I woke up from that dream.
I was blinded by your lies and now my eyes are open.
Now when you open your mouth, it just reminds me of all the reasons I was smart enough to leave you.
You try to hurt me with words.
Too bad you've hurt me way more then that.
You have no control over me.
Last time, I let you back in my life.
I am DONE with YOU!